pinangarap kong magsulat…
May 31, 2009
Minsan, pinangarap kong maging isang manunulat…
Gaya ng nasabi ko sa aking nakaraang post, ipinasok ako ng ating mga manunulat na Pilipino sa mundo ng wika at panitikan. Sila ang sanhi ng pagkakaroon ko ng interes sa Filipino, ng pagmemedyor ko sa Filipino.
Idol ko talaga sila. At, bukod sa aking paghanga sa kanila, namuo sa loob ko ang paghahangad na maging katulad nila, ang magsulat, ang maging manunulat. Pero, perooooooo…
I’m a failure. High school at college – ang mga sulatin/komposisyon ko ay hindi outstanding. Walang gurong pumansin sa mga gawa ko. Mediocre. Walang lalim. Awts, talagang napakasakit niyon. Iyong komentuhan kang ‘kulang sa lalim’ ang katha mo. Pagkatsek ng mga papel ng titser, pagkakuha ko ng mga iyon, pagkabasa ng masasaklap na comments – umalingawngaw, nag-echo sa utak ko, ilang araw na hindi maalis-alis, ang mga kay sakit na puna. Sinasalamin ng isang akda ang husay, ang isip, ang kalooban, ang pagkatao, ang kaluluwa ng awtor – huhu, tsk tsk, ako pala’y walang lalim na tao.
Oh, well, noon, sa umpisa, tunay na napakasakit. Ang kirot. Nasugatan talaga ang ego ko. Ang hapdi. Ang lupeeeeeet. Pero nang lumaon, natanggap ko rin. Mahirap, ngunit pinilit ko. Tanggap ko nang wala akong karapatan, wala akong kakayahang maging writer. Tuluyang nabasag ang aking mga pangangarap. Hinawi ko at tuluyang pinaglaho ang mga ilusyon ko sa pagiging manunulat…
Marahil, tama nga ang sinasabi nilang ipinapanganak talaga ang writer. I was not born to be one. Innate ang husay sa pagsulat. Hindi ito natututuhan, hindi basta-basta napag-aaralan.
Hmmm… Kaya siguro ako inilagay ni Lord sa field of teaching. Bago magkolehiyo, sa pag-a-apply sa mga universities/colleges, ni hindi man lang sumagi sa isip ko ang magmaestra. Ang nanay ko lang talaga ang may gusto nito. Siya ang nagdesisyong kumuha ako ng education. Hindi naman bumigat o sumama ang loob ko. Natipuhan ko, enjoy naman ako sa ang aking course. Ni hindi nga ako nagbalak mag-shift. Nagpatuloy ako sa eduk, at ako’y nakatatlong taon. 1 year to go, gradweyt na me (hopefully… hayzzz).
Hindi ko kayang maging isang manunulat? Sige, ituturo ko na lang ito – ituturo ko kung paano magising ang ‘manunulat’ sa loob ng mga mag-aaral…
May kasabihan, “Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach.” Hmmmmm…
Pis tayo! 
Previous Comments
Ito ay sarili ko lamang opinyon..katulad mo rin akong walang pangalan..hindi sikat kaya ginawa kong pen name ang J. Kulisap..na para sa akin maliit at hindi napapansin..sino ba naman ang mag-uukol ng atensiyon para sa gamu gamo. Tulad mo sinubok ko ring magsulat at magpasa ng kwentong pang romansa, ginastusan ko, pinagpuyatan ko, kinatas ang limang gramong utak, gumastos sa kakatawag para sa follow up ng resulta ng ipinasa ko…buwan ang binilang ngunit nanlumo ako ng sabihing hindi natanggap ang aking akda.. 124 na pahina Prinsesa, taon na ng ibinilang..marahil nabago na ang mga pangalan ng tauhan, akda at pangalan ng author pero ang orihinal ay sa akin nagmula.
Para sa akin magaling ang aking ginawang obra pero para sa kanila wala itong silbi, titigil ba ako sa pagsusulat?
Kailangan siguro nating alamin kung saang linya ba tayo nabibilang, ang ating interes.
Hwag tayong mawalan ng pag-asa.
Posted by J.Kulisap at May 31, 2009, 7:59 pmAko naman nagsusulat dahil sa gusto ko lang mailabas sa pamamagitan ng awitin at mga tula ang mga gustong magwala saking puso’t damdamin. minsan naisip ko rin paano ko ba maibabahagi at makikilala sa larangan ng manunulat ang aking kakayahan. pero wala akong lakas ng loob para gawin dahil siguro sa takot ako sa rejection. Kaya para sakin, hindi na baleng hindi mapansin ang aking obra, basta ang mahalaga nailabas ko kahit pansamantala ang tunay kung nararamdaman sa tula ko at kanta. 
wow, ty po sa pagshe-share ng karanasan at saloobin, sa pagbibigay ng payo. 
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